


Whatever is Left of My Heart

by Bojangles25



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 16:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5011285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bojangles25/pseuds/Bojangles25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tali never imagined Shepard could return, and could never imagine he would want her. Now that she has him she can't help but wonder if she is truly his. She can't help but wonder if they have anything left to give each other. Set during Mass Effect 2. Not so dark as the tags might suggest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever is Left of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little one shot I had kicking around my brain. Hope you all enjoy it. Any mistakes pointed out are appreciated.

She had found the image entirely by accident. While performing research on Shepard’s computer, she had come across a funny article on a parody news site and decided to save it for him to read later. Downloading the link led her to the default download folder. Almost everything in the folder had been named and ordered with obsessive detail, a trait of Shepard’s that Tali also thought funny considering his often unorganized style of battlefield leadership. Perhaps things differed when he was leading Alliance soldiers proper, but every battle Tali had fought at her boyfriend’s side had been a disjointed, yet somehow cohesive blend of improvisation and timely commands. 

“You’re the best of the best,” Shepard liked to say when asked about his command methods. “I can trust that the decisions my team makes are the right ones.”

Whatever lingering vestiges of proper Alliance protocol remaining from his training instead displayed themselves during observation of the Spectre’s personal space. His bookshelves were neatly stacked and dusted. His desk was clean of everything but a single notepad and pen that Tali had never seen him use. His pillows were propped attractively and his blanket perfectly tucked. Not a thing was out of place.

It was that unexpected disorganization among the files in Shepard’s download folder that allowed the image file to catch Tali’s eye. All but one file was properly named and organized. She stared at the jumble of letters and numbers for a good minute before clicking to open its contents. Two familiar smiles stared from the monitor. The first made her heart flutter and her mouth curve into a smile. The second dropped her fluttering heart into her stomach like a swatted butterfly. 

That second smile still occupied her thoughts when a gentle tapping distracted her from her work on the Engineering deck. Long hours had only further imprinted Chief Williams’s hopeful eyes and content smile into her memory, like an obstruction that refused to be dislodged no matter how she pulled, pushed, and prodded. Engineer Daniels could see the disheartened frown on her face right away. The mask had never done much to hide Tali’s feelings.

“You okay?” the young woman asked.

“Fine. Just a little under the weather.” Tali tried a smile.

“From making out with our charismatic leader, no doubt,” Engineer Donnelly teased. The quarian’s face flushed. 

“Shut it, idiot,” Gabby said. Concern and the light off the drive core made her eyes glow almost as bright as Tali’s. “Maybe you should take a break? Grab something to eat?”

“No, it’s…” Tali cleared her throat. “Work is best for me right now. I need a distraction and this is the best way I know how. I promise I would never endanger the crew by giving anything less than my full attention to the Normandy.”

Daniels smiled politely and patted Tali on the shoulder before walking back over to her friend and partner. Donnelly muttered something that made Daniels scoff and punch playfully at his bicep. Tali quickly turned away, glaring at the screen before her in desperate hope of distraction. Their laughter was too familiar.

###

_Whatever Williams had whispered in Shepard’s ear causes the typically stoic expression he always maintained in the field to crack and shatter. Spit spluttered off his lips and rumbling laugh lay trapped in his throat. He looked over to the human woman at his side._

_“Yeah, right, right after my sex tape leaks.”_

_Williams snorted, her laughter an unrestrained roar. The rumble in Shepard’s throat fought free and the two of them stumbled into each other, uncaring of the audience staring. Tali looked back up at the top of the stairs where Conrad Verner still stood, now laughing as if he had told the joke himself. He was a creepy person. Tali hoped they wouldn’t see him again._

_Shepard was the first to recover from his hysteria. Chief Williams soon followed. They started towards the corridor leading to the elevator when she stopped suddenly and began patting along her uniform. “Crap, I forgot my credit chit!” She was gone before either of her companions could protest._

_“I never thought of Chief Williams as funny,” Tali said as she waited beside Shepard._

_“You’d be surprised.” Shepard grinned down at her. “Though usually she saves the jokes until we’re back on the ship. I even caught her rehearsing one. You’ve never seen someone turn so red.”_

_Tali had seen them as she hurried back and forth between the core and the nearby cache of supplies. Sometimes Shepard would call out to whoever was nearby to share their jokes. Wrex usually ignored them. Garrus would try and hide. Even the Alliance requisition officer would find some way to avoid them. Only Tali braved the incomprehensible silliness time after time, if for no other reason than curiosity about what could make two soldiers so deadly and serious laugh so hard._

_“She seems to laugh more lately,” the quarian said. “She’s changed greatly.”_

_Shepard shrugged. “I wouldn’t say greatly.”_

_“Greatly, Shepard,” Tali repeated, remembering how the Gunnery Chief once looked at her. “I suppose you could say this experience has changed us all, but I believe it is almost all your influence.”  
The newly-named Spectre stared thoughtfully at his boots. “I try to be a good leader. I’ve been around a lot of them, so I like to think I learned from them, but it’s different once you’re actually in a position of authority and responsibility. I always worry that I’m too close to those under my command.”_

_“We all appreciate that, Shepard.”_

_“I’m still not sure it’s the right thing to do. Captain Anderson would not approve.”_

_The door leading to the markets hissed open, and Chief Williams strode confidently towards her commander. Tali leaned closer. “You should not worry about what others think. Those under your command respect you. We would follow you anywhere. And…you are good for us. Very good for us.”_

_Shepard looked down at her. “Yeah?”_

_“Yes. You should never think yourself wrong for growing close to us. However close that is.”_

_“I found it,” the Chief said. Her eyebrows scrunched inwards. “Everything alright?”_

_“Of course,” Shepard said. “Just getting anxious. You know how much I hate the Citadel.”_

_“Don’t we all. Right, Tali?”_

_“Definitely,” the quarian said. “I have few happy memories here.”_

###

There was a time when Ashley would not say even that much to Tali, when all she had to give were the suspicious stares and condescending thoughts the quarian had eaten her fill of on the Citadel. Shepard had changed that about Williams, as well. He changed everyone who served on the Normandy during the hunt for Saren, and always for the better. 

“You’re dripping onto your gloves.”

Tali choked on the bit of nutrient paste in her throat. Strong hands held her as steady as coughs wracked her body. One thing that never changed about Tali was Shepard’s ability to surprise and embarrass her. Her cheeks flushed for an entirely different reason than they had from Donnelly’s teasing.

Shepard took a seat next to her. His scars continued to fade, though his eyes still glowed in a way that unsettled Tali greatly. It was always those eyes that made Tali wonder whether this was the real John Shepard, or if her grief and desperation shrouded some clone or machine in familiar shadows. “Keelah, how do you always do that?”

“You’re a genius,” Shepard said. “You geniuses are always lost in a maze of thoughts. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. Just great.”

Shepard stared at her disbelievingly, the glow in his eyes chilling Tali to the bone. “You sure?”

Tali nodded.

“Okay. Well, you know you can talk to me. I hope our…relationship doesn’t mean you stop coming to me when you are lost in that maze of a brain of yours.”

He had left the table and slipped around the corner before Tali mustered the courage to call him back. And he did, like he always did when she called for him. “There is something I want to talk to you about, but later. Can we meet in your cabin in a few hours?”

‘Of course. I’m looking forward to it.” Shepard hugged her close before marching off.

Tali’s shoulders slumped. She could not even enjoy Shepard’s touch without wondering whether it was meant for someone else. Whether his hugs were meant for the woman she had seen him hug in that picture.

Ashley had looked so happy. Not like Kaidan on Horizon. Shepard would not talk about it, but Garrus had told Tali the story, how the Alliance soldier and Shepard had nearly come to blows. Tali didn’t bother to throw her empty tube in the trash before she left the mess hall.

###

_“You’re a traitor,” Kaidan said. “Ash is probably rolling over in her grave.”_

_It had taken every ounce of self-control Shepard ever learned to stay calm. His hands shook and his teeth rattle behind his pale, pursed lips. “You know I’m a better man than that. And you know I loved her. So don’t you dare fucking say something like that again.”_

_Kaidan began to speak, but thought better of it. The Alliance trained their soldiers well, and two years had not fully stripped Shepard’s command from the Staff Commander’s memory. He went stiff and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Commander. I’m just having a hard time coping. I want to believe you’re the same man that hunted down Saren. For the chief’s sake, if not my own.”_

_“I’d never betray her like that. I went to the Anderson first. I tried. I made nice with the Council. Cerberus was all I had left and I’m trying my best to make my crew see. I’m still me, Alenko. I swear to God I’m still me.”_

_Something about his words broke the still air, swallowed the lingering rumble of the Collector ship burned into the very core of the planet. Kaidan’s mouth hung agape, and Garrus shuffled nervously out of sight. Frightened voices carried on the wind as the colonists were freed from their stasis._

_“I…have to report this,” Kaidan said. “Take care, Commander.”_

_Shepard thought about calling after him as he walked away. Later, the commander swore. He would reach out later. There was no more convincing in this moment._

_“And Shepard…take care. Give those bastards hell like only you can. Make us proud. Make her proud.”_

_The shuttle ride back to the Normandy passed in silence, and Shepard longed to reach his computer._

###

The call had been a surprise, and Tali nearly denied when Shepard asked her to grab her gear. As he pulled her behind the waist high wall moments before bullets splattered her brains across the rusted walkway, she realized perhaps she should have been honest. Shepard would not say anything. The concern and anger in his eyes was enough. 

Ash would not be distracted, Tali thought as the last of the Blue Suns mercenaries fell dead. She never was. No matter her mood aboard the Normandy, she was the consummate soldier on the battlefield. Yet another way I can never measure up.

Grunt led the way up the staircase, a mere silent shadow of the krogan warlord whose rumbling laugh once brought life to the graveyards left in Shepard’s wake. Was that all they were for Shepard? Shadows of the life he once lived, a life he tortured himself to reclaim? Only Garrus, Tali, Chakwas, and Joker remained of the original crew, and they were far from the same people they were two years ago. Garrus was angrier, jaded, the eyes in the back of his head focused for hidden knives and steps he could never retrace. Chakwas was alone, and no matter how she protested otherwise drowning in regret. Memory of Shepard’s death and the universe’s stupidity had aged Joker. And Tali…

The quarian dropped a merc with her shotgun and sent Chatika out to handle another. Tali had changed as well. She was older and more capable than the young woman receiving her first taste of life outside the Flotilla. She had grown more confident. Like Garrus, she had lost a squad. She had been called a traitor and nearly lost the only home she had ever known. No, not the only home. She had another. She was now Tali’Zorah vas Normandy, and the Normandy was her home, with the man she loved. But was she also just a shadow to Shepard, his love for her nothing a replacement like this Grunt was for Wrex? Was she an amalgamation of the young woman he had once known and the lover he had lost?

The last of the mercs fell dead. “Grunt, fall back and make sure no nasty surprises are waiting for us. You know how these bastards like to hide in the shadows and spring traps.” Shepard’s voice rang clear and impatient. Grunt grunted and left.

“You want to talk now?” he asked Tali. “Or are you hoping to die with this monkey on your back?”

“Shepard, I…”

“You should have told me your head was off in space still. You should have stayed on the Normandy. Next time tell me before it nearly gets splattered across the dirt.” His expression softened. “I can’t lose you, Tali. That’s the last thing I could take right now.”

It was the worst thing he could have said. Tali swallowed a sob, but there was no throat to swallow her tears. Somehow she stayed silent.

“We’re talking the second we get back. I should have known better. I should know my crew better. There was obviously something bothering you but I figured you were okay to fight. I’m your commander and the blame is mine, but we’re talking about this right away. Okay?”

Tali nodded. Grunt came back, his gruff voice barely intelligible. Whatever he said, Shepard understood it, and they worked their way back through the facility.

###

_They had not seen Tali. She should have allowed them their privacy, but her feet stayed planted like the roots holding the many trees of Virmire in place as the winds ahead of the coming storm blew hard against the branches. Smiles decorated both Shepard and Ashley’s faces, but their eyes reflected their fear in the hazy sunlight._

_“Never known Salarians to face an enemy head on,” Shepard said. “Wish I had some idea what you should expect.”_

_“Did you just hear the same speech I did, Skipper?” Ashley grinned. “I’m ready to die for that bug-eyed bastard. Um, sorry. Bad joke.”_

_Shepard usually laughed at Ashley’s bad jokes. This time he only stared. “Be safe. I can’t lose you, Ash. Not when we’re so close. Do what you do best and stay alive.”_

_“Always, Skipper. See you when it’s over.”_

_There was no grand declaration of love like in the movies, no passionate embrace. They saluted with fake smiles and frowning eyes. Tali felt the dread, like lead running through her veins and weighing her down. She was sure the two Alliance soldiers felt it as well._

_Tali spent the mission on the Normandy, her technical expertise needed to help prepare the bomb alongside Kaidan and the other engineers. She heard the radio chatter throughout as Shepard navigated Saren’s facility. Her blood froze as Sovereign revealed the truth. When the call came to place the device, she had seen Ash and the Salarians atop the AA tower, fighting for their lives against the ocean of geth beating against their defenses. A part of her had known then what would happen. Kaidan had known as well._

_She did not see the bomb explode. She did not see Shepard until she sat across from him in the comm room. She listened silently as Kaidan and Shepard argued. When the commander locked himself away in his quarters during the journey back to the Citadel, no one reached out to him. Tali had wanted to. The words never came. Her vocabulary was lost in the mournful silence that grasped hold of the ship like the mythological space beasts of Quarian legend._

###

The elevator door frightened Tali as it swished open like a thermal clip ejected from her shotgun. The short walk to the door leading to Shepard’s cabin was not enough time to reload, and she felt woefully under-equipped when Shepard marched towards her. He held a glass in each hand. One glowed dull amber, and the other a familiar purple that chased the chill from Tali’s bones before she even took the glass.

“Liquid courage.” Shepard smiled wearily. “I certainly need it. I have a feeling we’ll be up awhile.”

Tali did not hesitate to plug the straw into her induction port. The liquor burned just right. “Probably.”

They stared quietly as they nursed their drinks. Finally, Tali marched unsteadily over to Shepard’s computer, opened the folder where she had found the picture, and blew it up on screen. Ashley’s smile made her stomach churn. Shepard’s expression when she turned to look at him did not help.

“I found that and it’s been bothering me since. I mean, everything about this has been bothering me since the second I saw you at Freedom’s Progress. I’m glad I’m here. You need people you can trust like me and Garrus. But this all feels wrong.”

“I know,” Shepard said. “But I didn’t have a choice, not if I wanted to stop the Collectors. And the crew turned out to be good people. I feel like I changed minds. Even Miranda doesn’t hold the same loyalty to the Illusive Man that she used to. I feel good about this crew. I trust them. I feel comfortable around them.”

“That’s the problem, Shepard! It’s all too damned comfortable. Everything about this feels wrong. I feel like I’m…no, like this whole damned ship and everyone in it is fake. A carefully constructed set meant to distract you. I feel like we’re all just silhouettes of your former life Cerberus is using to manipulate you.”

Shepard sat at the edge of his bed. Tali looked away, right into the hopeful, happy eyes of Ashley Williams. The churning in her stomach erupted into her throat. “You’re not wrong. I’ve thought it ever since Archangel turned out to be Garrus. Maybe even before that, when Joker showed me the new Normandy. He’s using old memories to make me complacent to whatever game he’s playing.”

“And you don’t worry that it’s working?”

Shepard shrugged. “It’s not.”

“But it might be! Just look at…”

“Look at what, Tali?”

The quarian wrung her hands, refusing to look up from the floor. It was clean, too, just like everything else in the cabin. She could hear the water in the fish tank, and the subtle hum of various machines, each adding their insignificant voices together to be heard. 

“Tali.” She looked up into a comforting pair of blue eyes. The scars surrounding them were less than before. “Look at what?”

“Look at us. You and me. It’s bad enough that Cerberus is using me because I was on the original Normandy, but now we’re together and I can’t help but feel it’s all a sham like everything else.” Tali looked at the monitor one last time. “I’m not her, just like Grunt isn’t Wrex, Garrus isn’t unscarred, I’m not a naïve girl on Pilgrimage, and this isn’t the Normandy. I can’t help but think our relationship is every bit as wrong as everything else about this mission feels.”

Tali expected something from Shepard. Realization, perhaps, or anger. Maybe a laugh. Something besides a confused stare which made her tremble. “Do you think we feel wrong?”

“Keelah, no! But I’m not alone here. I still remember Ash and I never want to forget her. I know you remember Ash. Seeing this picture, I wonder if I can ever be that for you. I wonder what we have is just a shadow of the past that you are clinging to find some way to bridge the years you lost. I don’t want that for either of us. I don’t want this mission to end with you realizing that there was nothing truly there. As bad as it was to see you die, Shepard, I don’t know if I could handle losing you at my side.”

Now that she had finally voiced the words clogging her mind for these long weeks, they sounded almost silly. If she didn’t think it would upset Shepard, she would have burst out laughing. Somehow she managed to swallow the sound. Her commander’s blue eyes had not left her.

“There are a lot of things I worry about, Tali, but we are not one of them. And I won’t lie to you. We will never be what me and Ash were. If Ash were alive today, we couldn’t be what we were then because I’m too different. There’s a piece of my heart that will always belong to her, a piece that not even Cerberus could give me back. It’s an inevitable consequence of losing someone you love. You know that. You’ve lost people that you love.”

Shepard reached out his hand, and Tali let her helmet fall into the soft curve. “You also know that it doesn’t stop you from loving again.”

Tali still remembered the day Auntie Raan came to her after her mother’s funeral. How she had told the quarian girl she could never replace Tali’s mother, but she would always be there to love her. She had kept her word. Auntie Raan was always there for Tali, even more than her father. Tali could never love Raan like she had loved her mother, but that did not mean her love was any less.

“I didn’t lie to you, Tali. I want to be with you. I want this to work because of you, not to replace something I lost. Whatever is left of my heart, it’s yours and yours alone.”

His arms wrapped around her, and Tali melted. “Thank you, Shepard. All I can do is promise the same. And…I’m sorry for invading your privacy. I understand why you keep this picture.”

As if just now noticing it, Shepard looked at his monitor. His lips curved into a frown, but he quickly recovered. “I honestly didn’t know it was on there. I guess Cerberus included it when they transferred my files from my old computer. Do you want me to delete it?”

Tali looked past Shepard and Ashley’s smiling faces for the first time, noticing the workbench in the background. It was the old workbench from the original Normandy. Whenever Tali’s shotgun had a problem, she would bring it to there to fix it. At first she was too intimidated to be around the Alliance soldier. She would wait until Ashley left before working on her weapons. Over time, Tali gained the courage to work at her side. They began with small talk about missions and shooting techniques. Ashley would talk about her family. Tali would talk about hers. They found common grief in losing a parent and common respect for their shared military fathers. Similar tastes in music came next. Ashley Williams had been a wonderful person. Despite the crush Tali had developed for Shepard, she had never begrudged Ashley for being his. 

She would not dare protest the piece of her that still remained with Shepard in death. “No. Keep it. She deserves to be remembered forever.”

Shepard’s arms tightened around her, and they shared their tears. Tears of pain for what was lost and joy for what had yet to come.  
n for what was lost and joy for what had yet to come.


End file.
